


I'm a goner

by TransAshIsPan



Series: Phan One Shots [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Based on a Twenty One Pilots Song, Depressed Dan Howell, Depression, Hospitalization, Hurt Dan Howell, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kind of happy ending, M/M, Not Happy, Sad, Sad Phil Lester, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, rest in peace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-03-05 09:37:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13385094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TransAshIsPan/pseuds/TransAshIsPan
Summary: I wrote this while depressed and listening to Twenty One Pilots sad songs.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Bold text is voices in Dan's head  
> Underline are Dan's respons to the voices.  
> Italics is writing/ comments  
> Underlined and Italics are words in Phils head

"Hey Dan, I'm going to go out with some old college friends." Phil said walking into the living room in a blue button up shirt and black skinny jeans.

"Will Dylan be there?" Dan asked looking up at Phil. Dylan was Phil's old boyfriend before Dan, and most-likely his first love by the way Phil talked about him.

"Um, i'm not sure." Phil said awkwardly looking down to his shoes.

"Oh, um, okay. Have fun." Dan said looking down to the floor sadly. Dylan had green eyes, brown hair, and a six pack. The only thing Dan had was... well nothing.

"Dan do you want to come with?" Phil asks walking over to Dan and getting on his knees to look into his chocolate brown eyes.

"No," Dan states looking away from Phils eyes, "I don't want to hang out with a bunch of people I don't know."

"Dan, love please." Phil said, softly grabbing Dan's chin to look into his eyes.

"Phil, I don't want to. Besides i'm already in my sofa crease." Dan jokes, forcing a fake smile onto his face.

"Okay. Stay safe, love." Phil said smiling and pecking his lips. Dan smiled genuinely this time, feeling Phil's lips on his.

Mine

"I will." Dan says smiling.

"I'll get ice cream, and other things from the store. When I get back we can cuddle and watch anime, how's that?" Phil asks.

"That's fine." Dan said, frowning slightly at the thought of Phil leaving.

"Okay I love you so much, Dan" Phil said.

"I love you too, Phil." Dan said kissing Phil one more time before he leaves. Phil stands up, smiling at his boyfriend. He grabs his keys and phone and leaves the house.

The house was too quiet without Phil there. Dan sighs and opens his computer. He had been editing a coming out video for a while now. He filmed it without Phil knowing about it. Dan didn't know if he should post it or not.

Fuck it, he thought and pressed post on the video. It uploaded and Dan reloaded the page so he could read the comments.

_Faggot_

_Wow Dan really is gay, and I used to like him._

_You're going to hell_

Dan shut the computer, tear rolling down his face. He put the computer to the side and walked into his room. He got out the little box that's underneath his bed and got out the box of razors. He took the sharpest razor out of the bed and held it against his wrist. Phil. Phil would be mad at him. He couldn't do it. He just held the blade.

**They hate you.**

It's just some homophobes. Thats all.

**Your worthless. You'll never be anything. You're alone. Phil doesn't love you, he loves Dylan. You don't deserve to live. Do the world a favor and kill yourself Daniel. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.** The voices in Dan's head start.

Get out of my head. I won't do it, I won't hurt Phil like that. Dan says. He closes his eyes and focuses on trying to get the voices out, but it wont work. Dan drops the blade that's in his hand on the bed.

**Annoying. Fat. Ugly. Not funny. Boring. Messed up. Kill yourself Dan. You don't deserve to live you know.**

Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT! Dan picks up the blade and hold it to his right arm.

**Awkward. Nerd. Moron. Whore. Slut. Retard. Faggot.** For each word Dan makes another cut.

I deserve this.

**Freak. Emo. Crazy. Depressed. Unloved. Psycho. Skank. Worth-less. Wreak. Unwanted. Disappointment.** Each cut is deeper than the next.

"I'm sorry." Dan says lying down on his bed. Tears run down his face, and he lets his right arm fall next to him on the bed. Blood seeping from the cuts onto the bed sheets.

"Phil. He never loved me. Why would he." Dan says to himself, almost in a whisper. He knew he should clean this up before Phil gets back but he was just so tired. He pulled down his sleeve and cuddles the pillow on his bed. Phil. He missed his cuddles. With tears rolling down his face he when to sleep.

-Time Skip-

"Dan, Love, I'm home!" Phil yells smiling to himself. He couldn't wait to see Dan and cuddle with him for the rest of the day. Phil put the groceries on the kitchen counter and when to find Dan. It's not normal for Dan not to come rushing down to see him when he gets back from going out without him. He turns open Dan's bedroom door, they needed it for recording so the fans wont find out about them.

"Dan?" Phil said opening the door. The sight he saw was, what he thought, adorable. He saw Dan's cute sleeping face, snuggling with one of Phil's pillows. Unaware of the dried up tear stains on his face, or the cuts on his right arm. Phil takes a photo of Dan and the goes over to wake him up. Phil shook the sleeping boy.

"Phil?" Dan asks sleepily.

"Hi Dan. I'm back." Phil said kissing Dan on the forehead.

"What time is it?" Dan asks, tiredly rubbing his eyes.

"It's 9:32." Phil said

"I was only a sleep for an hour. And you were only gone for an hour and 30 minutes. Why?" Dan asks looking up at Phil.

"It took 20 minutes to get to the place we were meeting. I stayed for a bit but left as they were all looking for girls to pick up. Then I went to the store. Plus I missed you." Phil said smiling.

**You ruined his time with his friends. If he never was worried about you he would have never left so soon. You ruined his night Dan.**

"Oh, okay." Dan said, trying to stop the voices

"I'm going to set up a little pillow fort down stairs for us. Come down when you're ready, if not i'll come get you." Phil said smiling at the young boy, then leaving.

**He only pity's you, you know.**

Just shut the fuck up. For once in my life I don't want to hear your stupid voice. I'm going to have a nice night with Phil, because I love him, and he loves me.

**Keep telling yourself Dan. He's just going to leave you for being crazy. Just like the rest of them.**

Dan sighs and gets out of bed. He puts on some black sweat pants and a black jumper before going down stairs to the living room. He was amazed at what he saw. The lights were dim and there was a blanket and pillow for right in the middle of the living room. Dan walks inside of the fort to find Phil sitting on a pillow waiting for him. There were fairy lights lighting up the white fort, a bowl of popcorn, two pops **_(A/n Where I live in Ohio we call it pop, in other places they call it soda or coke in florida. Is it called fizzy drinks in the Uk? I don't know, just google it)_ ** , a bag of Maltesers and other snacks. There was a movie ready to play on Phil's computer screen.

"Phil! This is- This is amazing!" Dan says in awe.

"Come sit," Phil said pulling Dan into his lap, Dan blushes, "I've been planning this for awhile."

"Phil you shouldn't have," Dan starts.

"But I did. I did it because I love you and you deserve it." Phil says cuddling into Dan's neck and playing the movie, Not Alone.

"P-Phil, whats this movie a-about?" Dan asks already knowing the answer.

"It's some documentary about suicide. I don't know, Chris recommend us watching it." Phil said.

30 minutes in and Dan couldn't take it anymore.

"Um, Phil. I'm really tired I think i'm going to go to bed." Dan said standing up.

"Oh, um are you sure you don't want to finish the movie?" Phil said, Dan never leaves before movies ends.

"Yeah im just really tired." Dan said running off to his room.

**Your weak Dan. You can't do anything right. No one loves you. Kill yourself Dan. Phil won't care. Kill yourself and no one will care. Kill yourself and you will be in no more pain. You will be free from your internal torment. All you have to do is slit your wrists, and everything will be fine. Do it, Dan.**

Okay.

Dan takes out his box of blades and the suicide note he wrote a long time ago.

***Phil's Pov***

I close my laptop.

_I miss Dan._ I start walking up the stairs to Dan's room, that's most likely where he'll be. As I start walking up the first few steps, I hear a groan of pain. I start running up the stairs and open Dan's door. I see Dan with blood running down his right arm, blade in his left hand, and a piece of paper right besides him. I start running over to him when he passed out.

I open my phone and call 999.

"This is 999, Im Susan. What's your emergency?"

"Y-yes my boyfriend tried to kill himself, he slit his wrists." I say quickly.

"Calm down sir. What's your address?" Susan asks.

"It's (Enter a random number here)." I said holding back a sob.

"Okay ambulances are on there way. I want you to stay on the phone okay?" She asks sweetly

"Okay." I say trying to calm down. Why did he do it? He always seemed so happy! This is all my fault. I'm the worst boyfriend ever! I should have known something was wrong.

"Sir-" She says.

"Phil. My name is Phil." I say, cutting her off.

"Okay Phil. Is your boyfriend awake?" The lady asks

"No. He passed out when I got here." I say, almost calm. Well as calm as you can be when your boyfriend/ best friend tries to kill himself.

"Okay. Is he breathing?" She asks. I stop and see if he's breathing.

"Yes." I say relieved.

"Okay the ambulance should be there in 7 minutes, so what I want you to do is take a cloth-'

"I don't want to leave him. Please don't make me leave him!" I sobbed

"Okay, okay thats fine. Fine a shirt or something of the sorts, and wrap it around the wound." Susan says complying with my request.

"Okay now what." I ask

"Hold presser on the wound, it will cause the blood to clot and stop some of the bleeding." She says. I do as she says. Each minute feels like hours, seconds feel like minutes. All I can do is hold down on his arm and hope that he will make it through.

The ambulances get here and take Dan and I in the back.

-

-

-

A/n If you guys want a part two of this let me know and i'll write one. If not, I won't that's fine!

  


 


	2. {Not a chapter}

Hey guys sorry I'm not posting I'm just really suicidal lately and I dont know what to do...

 

sorry again

 

-Ash :(


	3. Dan in the hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, i was listening to Hamilton and realized I should update this so... Im going to stop listing to Hamiltion (Or maybe just listen to the end :'( ) and start listing to sadder songs.

**Phils POV**

We got to the hospital and they immediately rushed Dan into the O.R. Something about his cut on his arm being too deep. I followed for as far as I could but they went through two double doors and left me standing there, in the middle of a hospital, blood on my clothes, the suicide note, and my hands, tears streaming down my face.

"Hey." I hear a person next to me. I look over and see a boy with blue hair, hazel eyes, surgical scrubs, and a white coat on.

"Uh, hi." I say looking down.

"Come, i'll take you to a private waiting room if you want. I'm Doctor Suzuki, but you can call me London." He said.

"Yeah that would be nice. I'm Dan." I say looking up into his eyes, they were really pretty. He grabs my wrist softly and lead me to a staircase, you can only use with a badge.

"Whats your friend in here for?" He asks

"Suicide attempt." I say. We both stop on the stairs, London looks away.

"Oh. I know how hard it is, to go through someone you love wanting to die that is." he says

"Do you really though? My boyfriend might die!" I say enraged, there was really no reasoning for it other than the thought of Than dying, it wasn't London's fault.

"Dan I know. I was, well am, in your situation." He says sadly.

"London, I'm so sorry. Who was it." I asked

"My partner Devon tried to commit suicide 5 years ago." He says quietly, we start walking down a corridor and head towards an employee only elevator.

"How?" I asked. I was curious.

"H-He took pills and slit his wrist. He was put in a coma, which 5 years later he's still not out of." London said, a tear falling down his cheek, he tries to wipe it away before i notice but it's too late, I already saw. London hit the fifth floor button and the elevator starts to lift up.

"Im so sorry London." I start

"It's fine, i've heard every apologie known to man. Its fine, its more of a waiting game now." He says. We walk out of the elevator and turn left to room 507.

"This is where he'll be placed. I'll make sure Nurse Suzuki puts him in this room." London said.

"Why this one? What floor is this?" I ask.

"It's the neurological floor, aka the floor i work on. And I choose it because it's also the room right across from Devon." London said, He winked then walked across the hall to room 508.

"Get some rest, you're going to need it." London said pointing to one of the two beds in phils room before turning around and closing the door.

So that's what I did, went to sleep.

**Dans POV**

Darkness. All I see is dark. Darkness to the left, right, everywhere.

'Hello?' I shouted. Nothing.

'Where is everyone?'

'No wonder, you're basically dead.' A voice says. 

'Phil is a mess. He misses you Dan.' A kind voice, i had never heard before say. I could feel my hand, someone was gripping my hand. It was almost of they were afraid to let go.

'Stay alive, if not for yourself then for him.' The voice says again. That's when I see light, do i go to it? 

'See him.' The voice says. As I walk closer to the light the voices start to fade. The bad ones, the bullies, but also the kind one. Instead the words the voice told me echoed in my mind, and all i could do is think of Phil. As i walk closer to the light I can make out striking blue eyes, slightly red and puffy. _Phai_. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week. Tears stained on his cheeks. Jet black hair messy and tangled.

"Phil?" I said, barley in a whisper.

"DAN!" Phil yelled taking me into his arms and hugged me like he would have never get to again.

"Ow." I say smiling. He released me and looked at me, smiling. His smile faded a bit and he had a sad look in his eyes.

"I thought I would never see you again." Phil said, he looked at me tears threatening to fall. "Why'd you do it, was it the voices?"

I hesitated, "Yeah. It was the voices."

"Dan! You said you would tell me if they happened again!" He said

"I didn't want to bother you with my problems, or my existence." I said remembering what the voices said.

"You wouldn't have bothered me Dan! You can't! If you would have told me we could have gotten you help! I could have prevented it, I could have" He said, more to himself then to me.

"Phil, there is nothing you could have done to help!" I said, trying to get him out of that mindset.

"Why did you tell me -" He starts.

I cut him off with a kiss.

"I'm sorry." I say.

"It's fine, everything will be okay." He said.

"Promise?"

"Promise."


End file.
